12/11/23 early up

 Up at 6:30am again. 

Glad to be journaling again. One of those things that a Bethel pastor said that God wanted him to pick up doing again this last Sunday morning. Okay, I'll take that as a good thing. I started doing this last November when I had to turn the screens off at 9pm. It was a good thing for me, too. Most of the time, Steven is preoccupied with something and he tunes out. My many thoughts needs an outlet and I also hear from God as my brain focuses on just this one thing :)

One thing I do is ask Steven what he'd like to do this week. For him, well, he's going to call on his contacts about the project. Okay, then what? What do you want for Christmas?

That's a checklist to go through for me:

For Steven:

A TLV translation 

A small vacuum for little stuff

A blue ray of Arachnophobia

Hoodie from Bethel

2 small massagers to share

Nativity mug from Bethel

Ideas?

clothing from The Chosen or another Christian store

I looked into Messianic Jewish churches. There's one in Sac that needs an interview from us, from me. They want to make sure that they are dealing with people who grew up Jewish and got saved. They don't want their church flooded with Christians who grew up Christians. Not much room for that. Bethel has that the rest of us :) Well, not just Bethel :)

Steven didn't seem much interested in the new Bible because he likes to just stick to his incomplete copy of our Simmons bibles. Fair enough. But why not immerse in Israel this way? We'll all end up there one day. May as well understand and fill in the gaps of ignorance we carry as having grown up with folks who are from everywhere else? For me, it's just 3 generations ago. For Steven? Can't say. He has doctors in his family from way way back. Could be :)

Time to take my morning pills and be ready to eat when I'm up again.

I'm trying to adjust my perspective on the friends we find here. Sometimes you just rub people wrong. What if they didn't totally despise me and were just very short or very honest. I guess with Pam, she reminds me of Steven's mom, who barely looked at me, until it was time to say goodbye. This gal is like this with me, but not with Steven or anyone else. She looked at the camera because Bill told her to, so I got a pic. So I'll rather see the time we spent last Saturday as they rather look up to me, instead. Because when I was younger and then ran into folks who ignored me, they said they were intimidated by me. They thought I was above them, which was shocking to me. Either they like me right away, probably because we grouped together in some club, or else we were just classmates. Some said I seemed very involved with people I had befriended and didn't have room. Hmmm... That's kind of the way I see folks sometimes, too. 

Well, it's time to end this. Steven will be up to walk the doggy soon. Wish I could do that. He makes friends early in the morning when a lot of people naturally awaken. 

I am grateful for this place. People are just so friendly in Cali. Sunshine makes a difference. It's worth it.

Have to watch the finances until the next thing comes in. Will be glad when all is settled.

Have learned a lot in this process. Neighbors helped with their great suggestions. Old enough to not forget the process :)

Thinking about mom. Dumped regrets. It's time to move forward. Said Bill last Sunday.

Praying for everything I can think of. My parents did that in their old age. Ah, another blog to begin and continue?

12/10/23 Sunday

 Up early this morning, around 6:30am :) Good enough... I was awake for an hour before rising. I think it was the sun creeping through the top of the ill-fitting saggy cover on the door that shone in my eyes.

Or, it was yesterday's binge day. We had macaroons with decaf in the afternoon. Those were too sweet. I go by SugarMD who says eat a little sugar, but I had plenty at brunch yesterday, eating my chocolate croissant with a waffle, fruit, a quiche with a thick breaded liner, a cup of apple non alcoholic wine, etc. Yeah, not diabetic in a non-diabetic, yet nurse's home.

No respect is all I can say.

There are certain ways we must behave as believers, which was also true for the Hebrews. The Jewish folks:

Love everyone, no matter what and seek to bring them into the Kingdom.

Don't shun believers because their children struggle.

Don't judge. You don't know where they are in their journey with God.

I've heard pastors say that of late. Because I'm on the dense side of comprehending stuff these days, it finally occurred to me that they are defending folks like myself. Even my sisters condemn me. I try to hang onto them, but they see it as charity to me.

This won't happen ever again in Heaven. I can understand why Marty just decided to give up on this family, this world.

But the reason God told us not to give up on each other was because it's an easy and evil thing to do. That's why I didn't give up on my brother, ever. We just can't. We were made to be a family that grows and grows. Mothers and fathers everywhere, treating people like their own newborn infants. Love inconceivable. I appreciate the church, the variety of people that naturally point out the strengths and weaknesses in us all. When I find a weakness in myself, it's because of others being around me. Not because they make some religious point by shunning me. 

I hear this happening to Brian Simmons as he gets the Word translated as it should be, from the Hebrew cultural point of view. 

I went around a bend this week, higher up in that sheep path as described in Israel, toward the Kingdom, realizing where I share that path with others.

Yesterday, I realized that because of where I spend the larger part of my day and evening, makes a difference. I want to run forward, past my husband, and I guess I did that inadvertently. I'm actually looking back on him, not wanting to wait for him to catch up anymore. His head is where it is, within this world's trappings: airplanes, money, worry about money, football, then he spends some time with Jesus in the morning, in his 5 minute daily word routine. He fits in well with our BS folks, but I don't. He's as critical with me as they are. What's up with that? The worry, the skepticism of this world, the lack of faith, hope and love, in general. I feel like maybe I'm in this group to remind them to speak blessings on those they worry negatively, hopelessly about. 

I guess the other thing is that when it's our turn to host, I generally think that should be me teaching and not the one spending his time in the flesh. But he fights to lead, to do it from a place of insecurity and struggling to communicate, suddenly toward a place of teaching believers something new and not having anything to new to say, and when he does, he's really upset. Because he has no clue in his place of willful ignorance.

Sigh. This is my area of strength, but he fights me for it. Is it the degree'd thing? Like daughter says, that the formally educated don't see your value unless you're degree'd?

Degree'd folks do secular school for 4 years or maybe six or eight after high school. I've done the hard work since I was in high school. Since salvation. I love the Word. I can't get enough of it. I can only learn so much in a day. I get it. It's my passion. But first, the flesh degree? How about 49 years of studying the Word. Why doesn't that count?

Ridiculous judgments abound in this world among believers.

I know that whatever I'm learning daily will be with total recall in Heaven. I think it makes a huge difference in life, how we see things, how we listen to God's voice here and forever.

I guess it's like rearing your children. Steven wasn't there for them and is rarely there for them now. But I was there for them. I still am. I check in on them. Steven thinks that leaving them blood money makes up for still not having a relationship with them. What we invest of ourselves matters. He doesn't believe that. Yet God and people are the two commandments Jesus points out. We must love God and people.

How do we choose things over people?

Later...

Worship, teaching, super :) TLV is in my life. I ordered two family bibles, written by Jewish Believers for Messianic Jewish folks, from Genesis to Revelation. My Christmas gift to us. It's bigger and hard bound, and I'm hoping will be easier to read. The soft leatherette cover looks smaller, but I like the tabs inset. Maybe next time I will get us a set of other bibles offered with that 14p and 13p font. I just want to have whatever copies in the house. Another way to go to Israel without going :) Jack Hayford recommended.

Even the gal promoting it is like me in personality. Strong and firm in her beliefs and exasperation with having been misunderstood or untaught about things like the dradle. Yep. Time to correct this stuff. That's for 2024, too, to my pleasant surprise :)

I asked for more and this is what I got. Thanks, Papa :)

Today, I reached my original goal date for weightloss. This, after a day of brunching (yesterday), which followed a day of switching breakfast and dinner, but skipping one meal.

This diet?

1 meal, whenever it is.

1 protein drink.

1 protein bar. 

Moderate carb intake.

Fasting is almost daily because of the break being so long between an early dinner (3:30pm) to next day's morning drink (around 11am). That's 37 1/2 hours fasting. A natural for us. As my old friend's grown up daughter says, it's the fasting. I love having this in common with her, since her mom died at 55 years of age due to being out of control in her croissants eating and she, being heavy, too, fights it. We have Metabolic diet and exercise in common from before my pelvic rebuild, so I don't do that anymore, to our eating like this in common. She's carnavoire and I'm keto. Success for her now 5 years. We don't talk about it. She's very narrow in mindset, but a believer. We married in the church she grew up kind of in, but her parents were YWAMer fans that they retired and joined after he retired. The daughter married a pastor from Indiana and he's retired. Their kids are kind of outside of the path, but fully grown. One married in his 30's. Anyway, she manages to concentrate fully on her weightloss journey and maintenance thereof. It's just another of those God meetings I understand.

So yay, me, for the weightloss. May I continue on down to a less pudgy middle, but not too low.

Brunch day :) 12/9/23

 Had our BS lunch this morning, 10am, sharp. A success for me to be awake so early, maybe not awake enough to share. I asked that we do this in the afternoon, but that was overlooked.

I have my feelings about our group. They'll do, for sure, though we are of differing backgrounds and, well, churches. Though 4 of us came from catholic childhoods, 4 ended up rich. That makes life awkward, as we are still way below their status:

They were from the 1970's starting out as adults:

cheap college education

cheap homes to get equity out of by 1976

early belief systems with half of us who didn't experience poverty and don't understand people on corners begging; no interest in a commentary on what's up with that from moi, they've already decided it's a mystery. Grrrr...

They are all getting deafer without hearing aids. Just let'em ramble on.

Their homes costed $300k in 2012, with their SF equity giving them a zero mortgage.

Our house costed $540k with our equity from one house. The other equities were stolen by the giant religious organization that surprised us several times by being our mortgage company at the last minute. Not a surprise, just cleverly disguised because of their low world rating as the #1 worst bank.

The others came here rich (most of their lives) and also paid off their $750k house a year ago. Remodel was $175k.

Can't help noticing mind-boggling differences between our 8-10 year age gap.

Couldn't recall a good Christmas memory for a long time. Of course, later on, I did. It's a good thing to share. Others' triggered mine :)

I'm awkward and glad that it's over. Now to prep for January 4's meetin...

Steven can be awkward, too. He shared being Santa wrapping presents for 4 years for his childhood family. I didn't know that until today. We need friends so they can remember.

I shared going Christmas caroling with friends from the apartment, Mom putting us all together, going down the streets and to nursing homes. Pam said her mom loved that.

I wonder if mom's final home did that? It was decorated for all the holidays.

Thinking about mom and Marty during the holidays. What a blast to celebrate with Jesus!

They talked about the Jews and what's happening to them in the US. They already know those are my people, but have already forgotten.

Growing old together, we have mercy on the forgetting. But it makes me want to move to more similar aged neighborhoods. Or maybe where people wear hearing aids.

I'm thankful for Pam, sharing her fancy house and miserly spending history this year. Her talents in music and art. A room just for her stuff. Haven't seen the whole house, just what's there by the entry.

I'm grateful for Jason's upbringing with good folks so he's pretty stable and kind.

I'm grateful for Bill, who plays golf, pay as you go, and is learning it in his old age.

I'm grateful that Steven is so social, because of work. Marianne was a homebody so unexposed to a lot, except that they have bible study folks at their house, too. Eight guests to do another holiday brunch with. She was in MOPS.

One memory triggered another one for someone else. We could have been there all day :) It ended at 12pm, so Bill could get in his golf game. Love their girl angel that sees them from the back yard glassed windows.

Pam, the nurse, could be a professional painter any time she wants to do a show. Wow.

I feel ignored, but that's me. I was shy today, not quite awake anyway. I managed to not say anything just randomly that could have been mean. I saw myself as being like Susi. Ah, the Staley's awkward and untimely humor. Pam is Swedish like me. Somehow she proved it, like me.

Bill was a soldier, then worked for but one company that promoted him a lot. Jason is just, well, rich. We all love to serve others and shared some God meets we've all had. 

Now we sit and talk little. Did more Christmas wish stuff. I'm pooped. Drained?

Amber is texting her day with Susan in VA. Sharing the Barbie movie. They are loving it while she's texting me.

I'm a little sad, but it's Christmas and it's time NOT to compare how we're holding up the family, alone and across the USA. Because Steven blew up our family, then came home when his children were awkwardly raised. It's an awkward family after all...

Later...

Daughter sent pics of their trip to VA to see cousin SusanB and Frank. They've spent more time with them than... well, that was during the Covid thing here. 

In Heaven, our family is eternal and together, at last :)))

Later...

Almost time to log off for the night.

Need to mention that Steven barked at me yesterday. I always wonder if it's just getting old and not being able to hold it in (not that he should) or he's just very sensitive to his cuisine critique. He's fine about critiquing his food, but when I did it, he said, "Tell you what. Tomorrow, you make this recipe and do with it what you may."

First time since high school (10th grade) that he's barked at me like that. Yikes. As I cited before, he's fine when he's being praised, but mean when he's not. Makes my mind wander to other things I could be doing besides babysitting my husband, the heart patient. Never a break, really.

Then I see myself getting more sensitive with time, like my mom, and having to stop myself from saying things that don't need to be in the ether. 

Speak in tongues. There you go. 

I know that triggers happen around unexpected blurts. 

Meanwhile, we managed to do more Christmas shopping. Getting low on funds. Tomorrow is a big expense day. Have to cool it down.

Looking forward to retirement. Make it a long one, Papa, Jesus, Holy Spirit, in Jesus' name, Amen.

12/8/23 not UP

 Went to bed at about 12:40am and was up at about 8:40am. Good for me :) My sleep was interrupted when I started retiring to bed with Steven, who decided to get to bed earlier and I thought I could do that too. Ha. So he went to bed with our usual Gimli routine, and I stayed up later, after having taken all my evening pills. I didn't retire until I was nodding off. That's always a good time to go to bed. Even having an afternoon nap of 20 minutes naturally, nodding off is a good time to nap. I heard but one sleep expert on youtube say that. So I wrap what I have to do around that important nodding off moment and just plan on getting to bed when it happens.

Tomorrow is brunch with the bible study friends. I will be up getting the croissants out of the freezer and onto a tray for tomorrow morning's adventure. I call it an adventure because it's the first time we've done this in daylight :) It'll be good to see how I do at that time, with taking meds earlier and getting up earlier.

Forgot to take Eyebright last night. Sticky eyes since.

Chiropractor today, yay. 

Watched "Reds" last night. Kinda wintery movie. Not Christmas stuff. Have to see what else we can do with traditions. Neighborhood lights? We walk ours in the evening. 

Later... Helped Ola write an email to Greta to tell her that she'd have to take care of mom's bonds to her hubby. But Ola, whose days and nights are inversed, doesn't think right. Mom's estate will go into probate to release that money. She will need to be patient.

Meanwhile, Steven made keto carrot cake. It came out meh. I would have done it differently, but there's no us working together on it because he doesn't hear me. C'est la vie.

Read a bio on poor old Rosemary C. 

12/7/23

 Good morning, Papa. Today will be a day of rest with little to do. Ola needs to do her medical paperwork and canceled on working on her other stuff with me. We are planning on rising quite early on Saturday to partake in a brunch with our Christian group peoples.

On my mind is a lot of unfinished business, like finding a church with like-minded people. We have enough of the others around us. Would be nice to locate Bethel folks in this area.

Our jackets order was canceled due to stock issues. Rats. We need Jesus clothes to find folks.

Another issue that is coming up frequently is getting these texts from websites that only contact by text. Don't do that.

I miss my family, but I appreciate peace as well. They aren't ones to come visit and leave. They'd rather have a piece of this, and they don't know the half of it. Surprises are nice.

One sister is estranged now, by her choice. She's been in the process for years, apparently, and when she hit the eject button, that was it. Spiritual problems. Choice problems. Faith problem.

The other is across the country from me. Should be totally on the same page, but her hubby left that part before he died, and she's a hover parent that I am not. Faith, baby. Just faith. God's got this. Someone reminded me of this truth this week.

Steven's puttering in the garage, loading my old fat clothes into the car. I had no idea how many clothes I've accumulated over the years since moving back to the mainland. Sheesh. Some are just worn out. Nice to make room in the house.

things to do in 2024:

Organize, weed through, have company be comfortable, be thankful, be balanced, exercise more, have all of our paperwork done for the last time. Imagine that :) Nine years in the renewing of paperwork annually with months of paperwork preceding. 

Be more involved in Bethel, if that is our only option locally. I'm grateful to be within 3 hours of my favorite place.

12/6/23 Up

 Lotta communication with family today. Lisa had a block of free time to talk. A lot of it when the car was turned off, waiting for a grandson's school bus. I shared French with her. Our quiet Christmas plans. She shared her stuff again. I just wanna be a sister to her. She's so far away.

Ola with her paperwork, printing stuff that is readable to deal with stuff. Not functioning with her days and nights upside down. She doesn't think so. Yeah? Well, I know so. She is me when I was that old.

Steven had a day to breathe :)

Later today are our dental appts. 

Sam's Club tonight. My feet were not cooperating. right heel spur acting up. 

Found coconut keto chocolate stuff. so good, and so waking me up :_ It was worth it. Love walking down the Christmas aisles.

French was good. Hebrew words are a daily discovery. Appreciate how God has gifted us Himself. We just need to look :)

Later...Steven at his dental appt now. Quiet house :) Drinking coffee, no sugar today, since I wanted a change. Gimli sits on Steven's chair, waiting for him to appear. A dog's life. I remembered to pet him a few minutes ago. He loves cheek kisses.

Managed finally to fall asleep. No chocolate at night, period. But it may also be these new vitamins he brought home. Choline is not my friend. 200% GDR. Nope. Will take a nap.

Lunch is had, a protein bar with a late breakfast. Waiting for the rest of the wafer in the bar to melt off my teeth before brushing. So sticky and good.

Have a box of Christmas stuff coming. The convenience of ordering online, but also knowing that we can get what we want.

I found tops online, all cotton. Haven't ordered them yet. I'm excited to find out what I will fit in now. In spite of all the chocolate goodies we ate yesterday, I lost weight because it was keto. The new bag of chocolate fun I found at Sam's seems to be a great winner. Fiber is good and the coconut isn't bothering me too much. I look forward to dropping a little lower in weight and then having a great menu that I can stick to. Seems like maintenance will be adding dessert.

Brunch set for Saturday at 10am. Way too early for us, but we'll get up and go because the hosts get to do as they like. Will bring croissants, fresh from TJ to my oven :) Ca va bien.

Dentist went as expected. Maybe or maybe not in 6 weeks, I will be done with this phase. We'll see at that time. I know there is more work, after that last tooth is in the right position. A dentist mistake that is being rectified. Sigh. I will be glad to be able to munch happily on my food again.

Tonight's Christmas month movie is 1941. 

Christmas blogging 2023

 Hard not to compare one's family with a better situationed family. Typed out this way, it looks even more ridiculous than the real thing. 

The fact is that all families have their stuff. I really don't comprehend most other family's tolerances:

Male bossiness

Women fake submission

Games people play - If I hadn't read that book from 1969, I wouldn't notice :)

Kids begging for attention that parents are clueless to.

Parents assuming what's happening between siblings. They are so wrong :)

We families need one another because we can bring insight into one another's families. But we are excluded from all generation families in this culture that is not Bethel at all. Bethel created a godly culture to correct this confusion. Dysfunction. Too bad we are just out of reach of such a thing.

It's good to have Christmas by ourselves. I'm looking at family pj's for us and Gimli. Really. Why not? My kids are doing exactly what they want as far away as possible from us.

My husband's widowed SIL declared that she can only trust herself on FB today. Sigh.

NO. We can only trust Jesus. It's in the Book. We are just sheep, clueless to what we need, reliant on Jesus, who knows us completely.

Later... bored today. Raining outside. Laundry is being washed. Would like to do something, but what? Antsy.